In this article, I, a potty-trained therapist, will tell you what I see in the inkblots of the Rorschach test, developed by a Brad Pitt-looking psychiatrist, Hermann Rorschach, after he saw Watchmen. (He died 97 years ago today — and he never got around to reading the graphic novel.)
The Rorschach test is that one psychological assessment where the administrator shows the subject a series of splatters of ink on cards, and the subject says what they see, and the administrator makes up some bullshit about what the subject's perspective says about their personality and underlying emotional disarray. Just kidding, they don't have to make up any bullshit, because the bullshit is already collected in a large, expensive book full of codes. So you look up in that book what your patient said, then decide exactly what kind of insane they are. The Rorschach test is one of those well-known touchstones of psychology and psychotherapy, like asking about your mother, that from the perspective of civilians bolsters the fields' reputations for just being arcane and making shit up.
The inkblots are designed to be subjective. You could say that they are all messes, and you would be right. But, some common interpretations emerge, and the Rorschach bible thingie aims to cover almost every plausible way someone could interpret the inkblots.
There are ten official inkblots. They are always shown to the subject in the same order. Something I should do sometime, because I always do it in my head anyway, is make a list of shows, movies and games that depict the Rorschach test and sort them based on whether they use the official inkblots.
There's some controversy about whether it's okay for someone other than a trained mental health professional to see the inkblots if they're not a test subject. The psychology community worries that the test subjects' reactions to the inkblots will be less authentic and less valid if the test isn't the first time they've ever seen the image. The other problem is that anyone who isn't a mental health professional that sees the inkblots outside of the test melts like the Nazis when they opened the Ark of the Covenant. So I am safe, but I will not endanger you by showing you what the inkblots really look like. They're easy enough to find if you want to take the risk and follow along. They're on a site with a name that sounds similar to "thick 'n' meaty love."
One could argue that if I write blog posts about what I see in the inkblots, that compromises their integrity just as badly as exposing the images of them to the general public. Maybe, but I will have fun, which is more important. If you believe you will eventually take the Rorschach test, and you do not want your interpretations enhanced or contaminated by what I see, please do not read further. In order to maintain a suspense that will, quite frankly, border on erotic, I will simply number all the sections.
Put on some Staind and fire up Splatoon, because it's time for ten rounds of tickled octopus!
The first time I saw Card I, I thought, "I hate this fuckin' thing." Now I like it, though. Character development!
Let's get this out of the way: this is a head. It's a guy's head. The most popular answers are apparently bat and butterfly, which is utterly unconscionable. If you think Card I is a bat or a butterfly, you don't need to go to the asylum, you just need to go to the damn zoo. Card I is clearly a head. It has mean or at least mischievous eyes. The guy's ears are so big and strangely shaped, it looks like there are four of them. There are not, because that would be insane. He just has two big, weird-looking ears.
He's not human, by the way. He's some sort of imp. Goblin, gremlin, kobold, gnoll, what have you. A snickering, neurotic little freak. He is part of that subset of scratchy-voiced fantasy creatures that in RPGs get stuck being tinkerers, merchants, rogues and mages because they are neither strong nor holy, just crafty and greedy and anxious. If he had even a single gold coin, it would be his most prized possession. If he had even a single chocolate coin in a gold wrapper, that would be his most prized possession too.
His most distinctive feature is his huge, sausage-like nose, which slants or hooks downward so as to bisect his mischievous grin at the angle we see him from. There is a big bump at the end of this nose as well, which is probably just cartilage, like the knob at the end of ours. I choose to believe that his nose plays an important role in the mating rituals and beauty standards of his species. Like the elephant seal, only the males have the sausage noses, and bigger and more suggestive noses are considered attractive. Nuzzling is as important to this species as hugs and kisses are to us. I am trying to talk myself into this appreciation for the weird goblin nose in real time, and I keep having these intrusive thoughts of plucking hairs and blackheads and potato-eye things out of both goblin and human noses. Imagine if this species had an equivalent to Dr. Pimple Popper. Ugh, what a thrill.
If you appropriate my interpretation of Card I for your fantasy novel, I will kill you.
I can see how people would think this guy is mean or evil, but I don't think he is. That is just what he looks like. In fact, I think his species is unfairly oppressed for being so shifty-eyed and vaguely demonic. I want to be friends with this guy, and not even just out of white guilt. I bet he has a great sense of humor.
If someone pushed me to explain more about the specific arrangement of splotches instead of just giving my impression of the gestalt, then I guess this guy also has poofy sideburns and some little bumps on his head. He looks kind of like Arthur Schopenhauer. For all I know, this individual could be among the most handsome of his species, and certainly an Übermensch at the level of personality.
I have another interpretation that is secondary to the male goblin, and I feel like you should know about it. This interpretation is best understood with a 90-degree rotation of the inkblot in either direction. What then appears is a cute four-legged animal with a big head and big ears — could be a dog, cat, fennec fox, Neopet, some fantastical magical thing that is oversexualized by teenagers who want to be witches, whatever. It is peering at its own reflection in a lake. Its emotions are totally unknown to me, though it seems intelligent since it can recognize itself. It carries itself with a lot of purpose and hustle, and it may be the envoy of a god of lightning.